


When Life Gives You Eggs (Make An Omlette (In Your Ass))

by lenin_it_to_win_it



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games), 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Crossover, M/M, Multi, Oviposition, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:01:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26353837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lenin_it_to_win_it/pseuds/lenin_it_to_win_it
Summary: When Octane is arrested for copyright infringement, it's up to his lawyer and boyfriend, Crypto, to save him from a life sentence.
Relationships: Crypto | Park Tae Joon/Octane | Octavio Silva, Crypto/Octane/Tensei Iida
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	When Life Gives You Eggs (Make An Omlette (In Your Ass))

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MikeWritesThings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MikeWritesThings/gifts).



> HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE ENJOY YOUR AWFUL TERRIBLE WRETCHED GIFT THAT I HAVE SPAWNED

octoane kickced down the dor 2 crytpyos room with his massive, stinky robot toes that he had scientiifically made to be dummy thicc and extra large bc he knew it wuld please his boyfriend, crytyo, and then also shot the peieces with a gun made out of fire andbc he wuz EXTREME!!!1! he scremed loudly in2 crytops fetid gamer nest “CAN U HACK INTO THE CORT SYSTEM MANEFRAME OR WATEVER AND MAKE ME NOT GUILTY??”

crytpo sighed exasperatedly and puled out one (1) earbud. “clos the dor first I dont want any1one SPYING on me!!!!” he shriekd out of the doorway 2 no one. he wrpapped himself up tighter in his oversized neon tinfoil jacket and striatened his matcing tinfoil fedora to make sure TheyTM couldnt reed his thots. a few weks ago one of octoanes many tik toks went viral and cyrpto was convineced the papaparizzi would brake down his door at any moment to take pictures of him in the shower n00d. fortuantely he never showered bc he was an gamer. 

octoane rebuilt the door in an EPIC ACTION MONTAGE WITH EXPLOSIOSN whiele a nightcore remix of eye of the tiger (bass boosted) played in the background. He snorted cocaine in a veritcle line off the door (horizontal lines were for THE STRAITS) and smackt crypytos ass reassuringly “the coast is cleer pal.. now bow bout u cleer MY coast??” he made a seducitve expression with his eyebros but bc he wos in full junkrat cosplay and had a gas mas on, crryto could not c it :’(

“can we talk abt why u want me to hack the court system first” asked crypto tiredly, exchuasted from a long nite of making minecraft letsplays. 

“im beeing sued 4 copyrighte infringement” octaone sobbed sadly, crying RADICAL tears made of moutnein dude code red wich cryto eagerly lapped up with his tung. “i dont want too go on trial and hav 2 wear a shrirt over my rockin bod” he sed tragically jesturing to his abs. 

“wel r u guitley” asked crytpo skepticaley 

octange was OFFENDED “how DARE U” he yelled angrily as he injected 5 hour enerjys directly into his veins the way he did every 4 hours and 59 minites bc he liekd to live on the edge. “if i was goignt 2 go to jale i would do it for a REEL crime like felony vandalizm or naked m urder” 

“naked murrder?” 

“like regular murder but naked” octane explaned “cloths just slow me down, unless their cargo pants, u can fit a shitlode of grenades in a good pair of cargo pants”

“pockets are suspsicious” cyrtopo hissed suspectfully “u never kno whats hiding in them,,, TRUST NO ONE” he shouted, hackign into his own closet with an axe and cutting all his clothses into shreds. “…not evn ur own pants” 

“i lik u beter with no pants anywey” sed octane mischieiviously 

“do u,,, or is that just wat u want me to think???” asked crytop crytypically. 

“think??” 

“wateever” cryto sighed surrenderingly and took a hit of his vape to calm himself down. his sureviellance drone also vaped. it wuz how they bonded. crytpo was very lonly. “il try to hack the court system so u wont hav to go to prisen and/or wear a shirt” 

  
“YEHAW” shrieked octave in a high octane so loud that the windows all broke int2 millions of pieces of broken shards. 

tge poleze broke thru the broken windows!!!! “UR UNDER ARREST” shouted one of them putting octane in handcufs ‘ur coming to the cortroom rite now to go on trial” 

“FUKC OFF PEPPA PIG GET UR HANDSES OFF MY MANSES” shouted crytpo enragedly. he rapidly hacked into his edgy green glow in the dark epic gamer keybord and programmed his drone 2 shoot all the cops so they would dead but it was 2 late. They left with oaogaone and crytypto wept. “octgcmaongn,, stay storng,,,, ill save,,e u u,,,,,” he stood up straightly (but not heterosexualely) with resolve and stared steelily int2 the camera “il just hav 2 beat them at their own game,,,,,,”

3 to 6 business hours later crytpo hoverborded into the courtroom with his freshly printed diplomoa in lawerology from [degree.com](http://degree.com) “im heer to defend the defense” he pronounced boldly making shifty eyes at all the jorors in case they were mean and bad and planning 2 attak. they wernet but he glared at them anynway. 

“cryptoes ur heeer” wept octane relieviedly from the comedically oversized birdcage he was put into during the proceedings. “as soon as i smelled ur festering gamer feet i knew i was saved,,,”

crypto winked and poked a single bare toe scandalusly out of a hole in his silver crocs to drive octanenne wild with lust. jsut as he calculated, octanen faineted be4 he could make everything worse for himself. the jrorors also faitned btu from the stench. crytpo sat down next 2 the birdcage and pulled out his laptop whcih was hot pink bc all he knew about the legal system came from watching leglaly blond 1 time when he and octane got blackout mcboozled drinkking vodka mxied with gasoline. 

the judged banged his gavel againste his judge desk and when he was done making hot sweet love 2 it, he slammed it on the podium to begin the case. it wus sticky from his fluuids and got stuck so it took a couple tries before he could make the court cum to session. 

“we the cort are gatehred here two days for very legal reseons” he sed solmemly as he tongued the gavel with his long tongue. “the defenndnat, octagon apexlegends, is accused with FORE COUNTS of copyright infreingement—“  


“and no counts of foreplay” muttered cyrpto grudgingly “high speed my fuckkin ass” 

“and if he is fond guilty he wil ROT IN JALE UNTIL HE DIES” the judge declared doomfully “i call the proscuitto attorny to the stand”

the prosecuter was a man in a red latex suuit with no eyes whomst glared angrily at the birdcage where octane was still comatoes. “im daredevil dccomics” he began righteously and lawfuly “and im heer to throw this sick son of a bittch into jail for STEELING my idenetiy and TOTELLLY ripping off my tik tok stunts!!1!”

the jurrors gasped in horror at this most terrifying asscusation! many of htem cried and at lest 3 wept. 

“OBJECTION YOUR HONOR” cried crytpyo passiontely “the prosecco has provided NONE evidencne with which to wrongfully accuse my client of wrongful kin doubling!!” 

daredevil slammed down a printed out pickture of octanes twitter onto the judges desk, where it was promtptly stuck forever bc of the aforementioned fluids. the picture showed a tweet where octan had called himself a “#high sped dardevil” after driving 69 miles per hour in a 15 mile schol zone and driving his disgustinly garbage green electric scooter directly int2 child pedestrians. 

“yes that dos look like copyrite infringemenet, a very serious crime” the judege concurred murmuringly. 

“i rest my case” sed davederil dramaticaly.

cyrpto speedily hacked in2 octanes twitter account using his password “sonicthehedgehogscumslut420” and deleted the tweet “but ur honor that tweet is fake!” he declared exclaimingly, showing around the laptop to prove the tweet wasnt there “see?? my innocent client would never have commiteed such a blaatant and theifful act as unlawful kin doubling” 

the judge nodded agreeingly “ya i gues so.. daredevil U go to prison insted!” he declared justiciously as chaines mainfested out of thin air and dragged daredevil screming into jail wher he was never seen agen until dc rebooted his series like, a week later. “the next procseucture is…” the judge pulled a slip of paper out of a hamspter ball like in the hungrer games. “junkrat” 

junkrat overwatch smacked the birdcage so hard with his big grithy yaoi hands that the reverbarations shook octane awake.  
  
“hey wat the fuck man” he snarled angriyl “i was having the sickest most radicel dream of getting my asscrack ate by toney hawk midair while rding a sk8bord that was also an shark!!!” 

“u stole my look and for that crime i will beat ur ass” growled junkrat in a menacing and presumably ratty voice while smelling like junk idk i dont play overwatch. 

“octanne did NOT steel ur look!” Shouted crytpto outragedly “whos to say u didnt steal HIS look??” his eyes narrowed suspectingly and he pulled out a gun and put it to junkrats hed “whos 2 say u wont steal MINE???” He saw his reflecting in the very polished floor of the cortroom and gasped and held the gun at it insted “WHO R U AND HOW DID U STEAL MY INDENTIY??!11!”

“idk who the hellfuck u even are, u edgy twink” sed junkrat disinterestedly. he kikt the birdcage and octaone fell over ont2 his ass which hurt bc it was already bruised from getting railed by crytpto on the dailey. “and i kno HE stol my ideneity bc he had pictureus of me on his top secrit pinterest bord called ‘steel his look’!!!” he plonked his ugly ass flip fone on the judges podium and showed him the pinrtrist. it was damning eveidence.

“thats daminng evidence” sed the judge shaking his hed. But befor he could senntnence octane to jail crytpo picked up his drone with both hands and yeeted it directly int2 junkrats ass, kiling him instaently. “wel if hes ded i guess the case is dismised” the judge shrugged “send in the next proseucutures” he wus so preocupied with lsutful thots of his gavel that he ahrdly even noticed when the proseucutres arrived to state thier case  
  
tensei iiida rolled up 2 the bench in his weelchair which was very sexily designd 2 look like litenight mcqueen but blue. he called it the sexmobile and when mic and aiizwaywa ate his ass they called it meals on weels. tenya :3c idia pushed his brothers sexmobile and stared seriously out thru his glasses and square face. 

“going fast is an iida family thing, trademakred and copirighted and if u brake the law we get 2 break u” sed tensei heroiclaly “otherwise the justiice system loses all mening and the world wud dissolve into chaos” 

“THAT IS WHAT HEROES DO” aggred his yuunger brother as his glasses did the anime eye flashy thing. 

  
“not so fast” delcared crypto cryptically as he unsheathed his becrocked feet and used his agile toes to hack into the computer the judge was currently using 2 play overwatch WHCIH CLEARLY I AHVENT BC I FUCKING MIXED UP JUNKRAT AND ROADHOG AND DIDNT EVNE REALIZE IT UNTIL I GOOGLED THMEM IM NOT A GAMER OKAY?????????? insted of overwatch the computer showed an ajenda of the trial where the defnse was supposed to call up an witness  
  
“call up an witness I guess” se d the judge curiously

“i calll 2 the stand, my dead sister!” declared crypto as he put her corpse on the stand. it fel over so he had 2 use duckt tape to stikc her down. “ded sister, did u ever see octane enegage in acts of copyrite infringement??” her head fell off her bodey and rolled to the floor. “intresting…” sed crypto with an raised eyebrow at the judge. ‘very intersting”

tensey iida bitchslapped crytpyo with his hand “il be asking the questions heer villan scum!” he cried heorically. “ded sister, wer were YUO on the nite of the crime???” she did not answrer bc she was the dead “ur honor this is an unrelieable witness” tensei said about the corpse. 

  
“UNRELIEBLE” gasped crypto. he glared at his sisters rolling hed “i shoudlve nkown better thna to trust u” he sobbed paranoidly “evn if u ARE my sister and also dead!!i bet it twas U whomst leaked my nudes all along!!!1! how culd you betryay me like this????” 

while cryrpto was cryiong the jduge took octane out of the birdcage and put him int2 an even BIGGER birdcage “ur going to jail 4 a long time u sick freek” he said legally and angrily 

octane sobbed hystyeirically “but how wil i do sick ollies if im in jail??? o however will i live???” 

roused 2 action by his loverrs hearrbtreaking cry crypto lunged at th ejudge “WAIT UR HORNOR U CANT SEND HIM TO PRISON”  
  
‘and wy not’ snarled the judge as he put octanten into handcuffs and a shirt that sed ‘nasty little crime boy’. octaen wept even louder as his flesh was clothed and hidden from the world. it wuz a tragedy like no other he had known. 

“BC HE TRANSED HIS GENDER” declared crytop dramaatically as he started to type into twitter “and if u send him 2 jail il let the whole internet know and ull be unvierselly considered BLOCKT and INVALID”

the jusdge and jurors and everyone gasspsed!!! The judge immeditely let go of octanee but it wuz to late and the down with cis bus materiilized and ran him over for his crimes until he was dead. 

  
“dude im sorry” sed tensei iida giving crypto and octane friendly smacks upon the ass “im trans 2, and if u both marry me u wold be part of the iidea family and therfor immune from being sued by us for copyright” he suggested suggestively  
  
ocatanen howled with horniness and yeeted himself into the sexmobile. tensnei had engines for legs and so did he so he figured they would get on fine and fuck like champions. for a moment croptop hung nervously on the edges of their furious fuckery as if he was unwelcum but tensei grinned at him and octaene sed “get in here nerd” so he flung of his sweaty tinfoil outfit and reveled in his naked glory for once unparanoid about hte possibilyy of nudes being leked. Insted he was swept up in the posibielity of LUVE

“ley ur eggs in us tensei-chan” he wispered bottomly to tensei iida. 

“HELL YEAH” shouted octane enxcitedly “COOK MY ASS LIKE AN OMELETE” 

“idk my good sexy pals” sed iida woorieiedly “i woldnt want 2 hurt ur tigte holes with my big thicc juicy eggs” 

“ME FIRST” demanded octene horrnily “and dont u DARE use lubue I want my hole to BURN like the sizzling mexican sun bc im mexican, make my ass int2 ur personal brekfast burrito senpai” 

tenderly but fastly, bc that wuz how octaneen wanted it, tnesei iida filled his ass with burgeoning iida eggs “and now 4 the scramble” he whsipered sexily int2 ocatanes ear as he flipped his ingenidong into TUBRO MODE and WHIPPED those eggs in2 a fucking merenegue with the spinnig cirlcing motion of his unfathomably fat cock, splattering cream EVERYWHERE and accidently taring ocatnes ass open like a piñata because he was mexican. 

“YEHAW I RODE THAT DICK LIKE A SKATEBORD” cried ocaaten orgasmicially “eat ur ass out Tony hawk!!!” he began making high speed snow angels in the white heeps of his own nut and eg while tensie iida gently fondled cryptos left ass cheek where he had a birthmark shaped like a computer bc he was assignend nerd at birth. 

  
tensiiida pointed at the splattered egg froth from ocatannes ass and purred into cryptos ear “now eat it”  
  
“yes daddy” moned crypto honrgrily. he ate every last drop and him and octane and iida and iidas other husbands aiziwa and present mic all lived eggily every after the end

**Author's Note:**

> this is the best i could with no knowledge of the characters so here you go, i hope crypto eating eggs that tensei laid and also scrambled inside octane's asshole was everything you wanted for your 18th birthday ALSO I LTIERALLY GOT JUNKRAT AND ROADHOG MIXED UP I SAW OCTANES DESIGN AND I WAS LIKE "OH JUST LIKE JUNKRAT OVERWATCH" BUT NOPE IT WAS THE ROADHOG AND I ONLY REALIZED THAT AFTER I WROTE ALL THE JUNKRAT SHIT SO I WAS LIKE "OH WELL GUESS ILL LEAVE IT IN IT ADDS CHARACTER" so there you fucking have it! my gamer cred is in TATTERS i hope this was worth it!!!!


End file.
